I have no one to blame for this but myself. I wrote some time ago, no doubt giddy from a promising beginning to another post-season, that if the Red Wings found themselves in the Cup finals, I would incorporate the sonnet into the poetic playoff predictions.

Sonnets, it turns out, are fucking hard to write at 10 a.m. the morning of the first game when you’re slightly hungover and drinking black coffee because you ran out of cream and the convenience store down the block is closed.

Sonnets would probably be hard to write under any circumstance, but I am merely emphasizing my handicaps. I promised, however, and therefore must deliver. “Shall I compare thee to a hockey puck? Thou art less vulcanized, yet also softer.”

See? That sucked. This is going to be difficult.

Anyway, Our record thus far in the playoffs (I didn’t even make predictions for the last round, because it was far too obvious what was going to happen and I told everyone who would listen we’d get a rematch, so I get a 2-0 on that one) is a very exciting 11/14. We’ll ignore my Bruins-over-Canes in five outburst because I think that it’s been well documented that every single person alive who watches hockey also picked the Bruins, even the Hurricane fans.

But enough of that. It’s poetry time. We’ll do the sonnet, and the two easy ones, just for fun:

Stanley Cup finals

No. 2 Detroit Red Wings vs. No. 4 Pittsburgh Penguins

Through haunted streets, our footprints traced the path

Returning us to fights that we have fought

The days loom bloody, sure to end in wrath

As students display lessons dearly taught

Bruised bones, not broken, strain and ache to heal

Before the snarling beast awakes anew

Once joined, beyond a doubt, the battle’s real

Taxing tired bone and weary sinew

For heavy hangs the head that wears the crown,

But heavy, too, lie burdens on the young

A sea of promise deep enough to drown,

As bards replay songs they’ve already sung.

We tell this story though the ending’s known

The old king, laughing, stays upon the throne.

~~~~~~~

A boy named Sidney said he was a man

Except nobody could understand –

“It’s a beard,” he exclaimed,

“I’m just young, so it’s lame.”

then he covered his face with his hands.

~~~~~~~

Two huge stars face off

against a whole galaxy

I know how this ends

~~~~~~~

The prediction: Red Wings in seven.

Well, the first round somehow went mostly as predicted by my seat-of-the-pants verse. We went 7/8 on overall predictions with the Flyers over the Penguins in seven games being the one we totally whiffed on.

No matter. In my own egotistical little world, I think this gem, made before a single playoff puck had been dropped, more than makes up for that little miscue:

Prediction: Caps in seven (with Varlamov in net before the end of it)

They don’t come more accurate than that, folks.

So, with visions of success — and of the local weatherwoman Chris Pronger banged in Edmonton one day writing a tell-all book —dancing in my head, Dirty Games is proud to present Round Two, in all its poetic glory.

We’re going to stick with haikus and limericks for this one. But seriously, I really will do some sonnets for the next round. And if when the Wings make the final I may delve into the sort of epic poetry that Milton would produce were he a) alive and b) privileged enough to call himself a Red Wings fan.

Without further ado:

Western Conference:

No. 2 Detroit Red Wings vs. No. 8 Anaheim Mighty Ducks

A reputation
Can stick to a man like glue
Watch out for elbows

Once upon a time they were Mighty
Making hits, scoring pretty goals nightly
Then they came to the Joe
Left with tags on their toe
And now these birds aren’t so flighty

Prediction: Wings in six

No. 3 Vancouver Canucks vs. No. 4 Chicago Blackhawks

Age may bring wisdom
It also brings broken hips
Whither Mats Sundin?

A goalie nicknamed Bobby Lou,
Lamented that he could not score, too:
“All my teammates have done,
is put me up by one.
Now it’s my job to somehow see it through.”

Prediction: Canucks in seven.

Eastern Conference:

No. 1 Boston Bruins vs. No. 6 Carolina Hurricanes

Does hard work pay off?
Seven long games, and for what?
Crap, here comes Chara!

At the Garden, their voices all shout:
“Please, Bs, end our long Stanley Cup drought!”
They’ll be halfway there,
After this brief affair,
Quickly blowing the Hurricanes out.

Prediction: Bruins in five

No. 2 Washington Capitals vs. No. 4 Pittsburgh Penguins

Gary Bettman came
Not to watch this, he just came
Right there in his pants

It’s Sid versus Alex for real
And it does have a certain appeal
Will Sidney Crosby pout?
Will Alex knock him out?
It’s a show Malkin’s planning to steal.

Prediction: Penguins in six.

This didn’t end up happening for a season preview. I blame myself, and my laziness, and the fact that regular season hockey is very boring when you cheer for a team that would qualify for the playoffs as a high seed even if you killed both their goaltenders and forced homeless people into their jerseys.

And having watched much of the Detroit Red Wings 2008/09 March To The Real Season, I’m not entirely sure that didn’t happen.

Regardless, we’re in the playoffs, primed for a cup or a monumental choke job – there’s really not a lot of middle ground for the Wings anymore – and it’s time to make some predictions, through everyone’s favourite forms of lazy-man poetry.

So much like Joe Thornton’s heart as soon as the puck drops tonight … away we go!

Western Conference:

1. San Jose Sharks vs. 8. Anaheim Ducks

Warriors don’t quit
Champions fight through the storm
The Sharks are neither

Will it be Hiller or Giguere?
The answer’s still up in the air
But if the Sharks choke again
(Wait, scratch ‘if’ and say ‘when’)
Then Ducks fans won’t really care

Prediction: Ducks in seven

2. Detroit Red Wings vs. 7. Columbus Blue Jackets

Repeating is hard
Crowned heads do lie uneasy
Steve Mason scares me

There once was a goalie named Chris
Who was booed every time that he missed
But while spouting invective
Fans often neglected
To note the two cups he had kissed

Prediction: Wings in six

3. Vancouver Canucks vs. 6. St. Louis Blues

Happy to be here
Basking in the moment’s glow
For four games at least

An old Swedish fellow named Mats
Had trouble locating his spats
But once he could see,
He exclaimed with glee,
“My teammates are no longer doormats!”

Prediction: Canucks in five

4. Chicago Blackhawks vs. 5. Calgary Flames

Kipper is tired
The Hawks are young and hungry
You figure it out

Like a blue dress that’s been stained with semen
These Flames bear the mark of Mike Keenan
He rode Kipper too hard
Now’s he played his last card
If he thinks they’ll beat the Hawks then he’s dreamin’

Prediction: Chicago in six

Eastern Conference:

1. Boston Bruins vs. 8. Montreal Canadiens

A proud tradition
Winter’s greatest rivalry
Not so much in Spring

When B’s fans get into the hooch,
They’ve been known to holler out “Looch!”
The kid breaks panes of glass
He’ll beat the Habs’ ass
Then they’ll bitch like there’s sand in their cooch.

Prediction: Bruins in five

2. Washington Capitals vs. 7. New York Rangers

Caps are flash and dash
Rangers slow like rocks to sand
I’m rooting for flash

If only Ovechkin could don
The gear that Theodore puts on
The Caps need a goalie
That’s not quite so hole-y
And if they role with Jose, they’ll be gone

Prediction: Caps in seven (with Varlamov in net before the end of it)

3. New Jersey Devils vs. 6. Carolina Hurricanes

Now, a storm gathers
Devils could be exorcised
Can they Ward it off?

A funny thing about momentum
When you’ve got it you’re solid, and then some
As the Canes catch on fire
The Devils perspire
For Sutter, the series is a referendum

Prediciton: Canes in six

4. Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 5. Philadelphia Flyers

A team is a team
More than one or two men strong
Don’t forget it, Pens

There once was a Penguin named Sid
You’ve all heard of the things that he did
After hundreds of points
They were quick to anoint
him ‘The Man’ when he was still a kid

Prediction: Flyers in seven