Like so many other Canadians, and citizens in countries around the world, I offer my profound thanks to the American electorate for making the right decision. After the past eight years, a lot of us doubted you could arise from what seemed a collective stupor in time to act to preserve the ideals of the nation that, when handled properly, is truly the world’s most inspiring state.

That said — there are still more than 55 million rednecks, retards, racists and recidivists that deserve nothing but scorn and derision. They were the folks represented by those dudes who felt the time was right to boo every mention of their next president during John McCain’s concession speech last night.

To those 55 million people, and especially to the idiots who proudly declared their unabashed ignorance and pettiness during an historic live television broadcast, I as: Why do you hate America? Why are you not supporting your new President? Your nation is at WAR, remember? I thought criticism of the president during wartime was treasonous. Fox News taught me that!

I can’t ever remember being as proud of something I had nothing to do with than I am today. I’m still not sure how I feel about it all (okay, that’s a lie, I’m happy as fuck and I can’t stop grinning, but a picture of me looking like a blissful fool wouldn’t make a good blog post). What I mean is that I am at a loss for words. I can only hope that one day I get to feel the same way casting a ballot for somebody as huge majority of you guys did last night.

If that happens, that will mean my country got something right. Just as yours has done.

But this post is not about waxing poetic on the meaning of this historic event. That will come tomorrow, when hopefully I have a littl perspective.

No — this post is about being juvenile. It is about being an ungracious winner. It is about schadenfreude, revelling in the pain ofa long despised enemy and dancing on the carcass of the freshly-slain dragon.

Oh! I’m gonna have so much fun! I’m heading back to freeperville (aka FreeRepublic.com) to take in the sights and sounds of what a Bush-lovin’, Mavericky, Right-Wingin’ bunch of startlingly undereducated adults get a taste of their own medecine.

What follows has not been edited, except where poor spelling and grammar made it nearly unintelligible. Other than that, these are Republicans — self-proclaimed patriotic, country-first, God-fearing, Christian Republicans — reacting to the news that CNN has declared Barack Obama (“that one!”) the President Elect of the United States of America.

I will also attempt (remembering that I did pay to go to journalism school and that one should not wholly abandon fairness even in the spirit of juvenile victory celebrations) to display examples of Freepers who appear concillatory and willing to stand behind their new president. I do not expect much, but we shall see.

My comments are in parantheses. As you can see, most of these America-lovin’ folks are as classy in defeat as they were in victory. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

• I think reality TV started the decline of our culture. Seriously, when people like William Hung can be mega celebrities, something is wrong!

• My tears are for the nation and for the babies who will die as a result of this election. (No. Your tears are for me, and everyone like me who had to suffer through the time when people as backwards as you thought the world’s most important country was moving in the “right” direction. And your tears are as sweet as well-aged mead.)
• And to think Michelle Obama will be the first lady. Why do I have a feeling many people are going to wake up tomorrow and think “my God, what have we done?” The scandals Obama brings with him are going to make the Clintons look like saints. I believe Obama will eventually be ousted in disgrace. Are America’s enemies dancing in the streets yet? (If by “enemies” you mean, people who hated the fact that your ilk ever had a controlling voice in American foreign policy … then yes. Yes. We. Are.)
• I’m also seriously entertaining the idea that Obama may indeed be THE Anti-Christ. Nothing else explains the mass hypnosis effect among the sheeple. If so, be ready, for the Lord draweth nigh. (Wow.)
• Kiss, hug and tell all your family they love you. FReepers will be the first to go. Can’t allow any opposition to the New World Order. (It is this type of comment that makes me wish that this type of comment was true, if that makes any sense.)

• I have the post hammered feeling and I don’t even drink. But right now, I wish my stomach could take it. I lost my best girl friend over this election and have no shoulder to cry on because she’s probably jumping for joy over our new Marxist overlord. (I am so goddamn happy for this dude’s ex-girlfriend right now.)

That felt really good. Now hopefully all Americans can put partisanship aside and get behind President-Elect Obama. Right?

You can see it in their eyes.

It’s the best part about watching sports. Or watching politics. Sometimes — and it is rare enough that it should be treasured — a person who makes their living in the public eye goes to a place where they are simply beyond the competition. Other people do it, too — but these are the ones we get to witness and remember.

The guys who make their living by filling dead air during sports broadcasts will tell you “he’s taken his game to another level,” that “he’s really got his best stuff today,” or that “he’s really locked in.”

They overuse the phrases; partly because it’s their job to sell the spectacle, and partly because overusing cliches is what being a sports broadcaster is all about. But sometimes they mine a nugget of absolute truth — and the ‘locked in’ cliche is the one that comes closest to describing that moment.

It’s rare, but it’s not hard to recognize. First, the eyes are a giveaway — they’ll be staring down whatever’s in front of them. If there’s nothing there, they’ll be staring down air. Second, there’s no hesitation in their actions. They know what they’re going to do, and they are so certain it’s the right move that they honestly haven’t considered the possibility of it failing. Third, they almost seem to want someone to challenge them. They’re so certain they’ve got it that every situation is another chance to prove it.

When a baseball pitcher has it, you’ll see him throw one fastball after another into the strike zone, daring a batter to swing. You’ve seen it in the NFL, in Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, when their opponents are driving to take the lead in the fourth quarter and they’re on the sidelines, barely paying attention — they know they’ll get the ball back and they’re planning to score.

You’ve seen it on the ice, when Nicklas Lidstrom waltzes along the outside inch of the blueline, daring a defender to challenge him and offer an opening by reaching for the puck. When Tiger Woods sinks an incredible putt and then solemnly walks to the next hole without celebration, hand-slapping or chit-chat.

When you watch a basketball player who is locked in, you don’t notice it because he’s making his baskets. You notice it because there’s not a moment of hesitation once the ball is in his hands — at this point, he’s so completely in his element that his mind and body have reached a harmony that not too many people experience without the aid of psychotropic substances.

This is how Barack Obama is feeling these days. And I’m fairly certain he’s not high.

Bad. Ass.

Since Friday’s presidential debate, it seems from Obama’s public appearances like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. It could be attributed to climbing polls numbers or an increasingly embarrassing campaign by his rival.

But I don’t think so. I think it’s because Obama reared back and threw his best heater at the debate, and he knows John McCain swung and missed.

That debate has been called a slight win for Obama, or a draw. But the polling numbers aren’t what this is about. What Obama takes away from that debate is the unshakable belief that John McCain can’t hit the fastball.

Obama was almost completely honest during that debate. He didn’t take the opportunity (as John McCain did) to misrepresent his opponent’s position; he didn’t lie, cheat or twist anybody’s words; he didn’t dumb down his platform or back down from statements that he knew McCain would use against him. In short, he was himself, and it seems to have worked.

And that seems to have given him back his fire. The man has been killing it. Not just with rhetoric (which was always there) but with purpose and decisiveness and humour. He’s loving this.

Below is the footage from a speech in Virginia yesterday. It’s 26 minutes long, but if you take the time to watch it, you’ll see exactly what I mean.

The man is locked in. He knows that the platform he’s offering is better than the other guy’s. He believes in his own message. He likes the people he’s talking to. You would have to come down with an ugly case of cynicism to not at least enjoy what you’re seeing in this speech.

Using sports cliches has become a cliche in itself on this damned blog. But when it comes to politics, the comparisons really are apt, especially in America.

Both rely on a vicious ebb and flow of momentum, the fervent support of large numbers of people, an epic sense of spectacle and bearing witness to history and ultimately the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and the loser’s anthem of ‘wait ’till next year.’

Obama’s played ball. He knows how it feels to get hot from long-range; to take a few shots and watch gleefully as everything swishes. But by his own admission he’s not an incredible basketball player. He’s been ‘hot’ on the court but never ‘locked in’. As a politician however …

… he is absolutely locked in right now. The ability is always there, but right now the mind is perfectly aligned with his goals. He’s so calm and intense at the same time. It is, in all honesty, a spectacle worth seeing. There’s a kind of awesome inevitability in the way he is carrying himself right now — like Mariano Riviera jogging in from the bullpen to ‘Enter Sandman’ played at 11.

The goal is close enough now that he can taste it. All he has to do is keep hauling back and daring McCain to hit the heater.

(Here’s the video: Passionate, funny, uplifting, absolutely stinging criticism of the McCain/Republican ideology … just watch it. It’s quite possibly the best stump speech you will ever see. It’s a hell of a performance.)

“I am running for president because the dreams of the American people are too important to have EIGHT more years, FOUR more years, ONE more year of this NONSENSE! Enough is enough!”

You know what? If Barack Obama honestly believes this, then he’s finished. Done. Cooked. Hopeless. Expired.

And in some of his strongest language yet, Obama suggested that, in its new ad, the McCain-Palin ticket was simply trying to “make stuff up.”

Senator Obama, I know you have spoken time and again about listening to opinions from the global community. You’ve mentioned the need to allow the rest of the world to whisper in those overlarge, Will-Smith-as-Fresh-Prince-style ears that you have. You’ve stressed that the United States cannot exist in a vacuum and that our — speaking as a non-American citizen — views count, too.

So, on behalf of the rest of the world, I offer: Yes, you fucking idiot. Yes, they are.

There is reams of data from all walks of life to back this argument.

There are studies that place the American national IQ at 98, the lowest national average among the world’s developed countries.

There are surveys that find that only 20 – 25 per cent of American are “scientifically savvy and alert.” The rest of them are embarrassingly ignorant:

Dr. Miller’s data reveal some yawning gaps in basic knowledge. American adults in general do not understand what molecules are (other than that they are really small). Fewer than a third can identify DNA as a key to heredity. Only about 10 percent know what radiation is. One adult American in five thinks the Sun revolves around the Earth, an idea science had abandoned by the 17th century.

There are dozens more articles, studies and surveys exactly like these, and you can find them by typing “American stupidity” or “Dumb Americans” into Google. Doing that, Senator, will no doubt depress you. And it should.

But fear not. If you type the same thing into Youtube, you get all sorts of amusing clips:

Who could forget that shining example of how retarded the populace you are currently courting can be?

You have probably never heard of a man named Rick Mercer (or maybe you have, you sometimes seem like you might be into that kind of humour — you know, the kind tinged with ‘elitism’), but I urge you to consult his research before placing your faith in those mouthbreathers who will be punching ballots in two months.

Senator Obama, Americans can be good people and they can do good things, and I hope to God they elect you President.

But a solid percentage of them are so fucking dumb that they can’t find any country aside from America on a map and the depths of their ignorance continues to reveal itself on an almost-daily basis.

If you honestly believe the statement you made above … you are as stump fucking dumb as the rest of them.

Sincerely,

A Canadian Dude

Hey, McCain campaign. You guys wanna talk sexism?

I’m pretty sure that’s a discussion Hillary Clinton is itching to have with you. Her and a few other notable female politicians.

The conventions are over, and now this election is about to get gully. Barack Obama is going to keep himself above the flailing, let loose the Hilldogs of War and force-feed the GOP some of their own medicine.

I may be biased, but I’m also a fan of watching American politics as though it were a new type of sport; some sort of full-contact hybrid of chess, the NFL and Calvinball.

From that perspective — the Obama camp’s response to cries of ’sexism’ by the GOP could be something of a coup.

John McCain has tried to siphon away Hillary Clinton voters by running a woman as his VP, while at the same time choosing a hard-right, private-health-care, book-banning woman in an attempt to solidify his somewhat shaky standing with the Republican base.

Not only that, but his campaign has then turned around and played the sexism card in response to any criticism of this woman. Keep in mind, that’s the same card they mocked mercilessly when Clinton tried to play it in March.

I am sure there is some lingering bitterness between Clinton and Obama. They are human, after all, and it’s only natural.

I’m also pretty sure that Hillary Clinton is a feminist and a politician first. So I’m pretty sure she’s been getting royally pissed off over the last few days of the GOP convention. There’s also a slight chance that she has been watching this clip and debating which pantsuit would look better on her during the evisceration she is about to perform:

You see, judging by what I’ve noticed in the past three years or so, if you’re a female politician who is very new to the national stage, has repeatedly voiced loud opposition to a woman’s right to choose, has mocked the idea that the government should provide health care for everyone and then called sexism whenever someone tried to call you on it … you don’t really wanna fuck with Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Whatever rancor may exist between Hillary and Barack, it’s nothing compared to challenging everything she has fought for as a legislator, and as a woman, over the past 20 years.

That’s the problem with playing the sexism or racism or even ageism cards — you take the risk that your opponent won’t just find an accomplished woman, black person or old dude who can tear you to shreds while saying, ‘Hey — I’m female/black/old, too, and these people are still retards.’

And the problem with having a very inexperienced and (in the opinion of many) unqualified woman play this card, is that you risk having women with far more clout behind their names blow you out of the water.

It’s not just Hillary itching to get after Sarah Palin. Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius kicked things off yesterday:

“She mastered the words written by the Bush speechwriters and delivered them well. But what we didn’t hear was what people talk to me about every day,” Sebelius told reporters.

The real feminists also don’t like it when you pander to them. And it is difficult to charge Gloria Steinem with sexism and be taken seriously:

Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton’s candidacy stood for — and that Barack Obama’s still does. To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, “Somebody stole my shoes, so I’ll amputate my legs.”

So what are you going to do? Barack Obama didn’t say any of this. He doesn’t have to. He just gets to keep making awesome speeches and rising above the fray.

Unless, of course, the competition is also dumb enough to make fun of community organizers, then he gets to join in on the fun:

“The question I have for them is: Why would that kind of work be ridiculous?
Who are they fighting for? What are they advocating for?”

Every time the GOP trots out condescending smears like “Ooooohh, he’s a community organizer …” I get all nervous for about 30 seconds. Then I remember that Barack Obama is not John Kerry and that he really does know how to brush that kind of dirt off his shoulder.

I don’t always enjoy speaking in Internet and video game lingo … but that, as the kids say, is pwnage.

I love it.

Now that I’ve taken a few deep breaths … now that I am no longer so quick to become scornful and condescending over how ridiculously superficial American politics can be when the Fate Of The Whole Wide World is hanging in the balance … now that I’ve realized that Canadians won’t ever allow our political discourse to sink to these depths.

Now … I fucking embrace shit like this. Can’t get enough.

The 17-year-old daughter of Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is pregnant, Palin said Monday in an announcement intended to knock down rumors by liberal bloggers that Palin faked her own pregnancy to cover up for her child.

If I highlighted the above paragraph, cut it out, and pasted it back into an All My Children episode summary in Soap Opera Digest … how out of place would it look?

By the way … to make matters just a little bit more fun … This is from a Q&A form filled out by Sarah Palin while she was a Gubernatorial candidate:

3. Will you support funding for abstinence-until-marriage education instead of for explicit sex-education programs, school-based clinics, and the distribution of contraceptives in schools?
SP: Yes, the explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support.

Heh. Well, you get what you pay for Sarah. Good luck with all that.

Hopefully, at least if Barack Obama wants to win this election, he’ll tiptoe around this issue and let the 24/7 networks (as well as idiot bloggers from Canada who revel in wallowing in the mud of our neighbours) play around with it.

It accomplishes nothing for him to mention the personal issues of his rival’s running mate. It would give the McCain campaign proof that the Obama campaign isn’t as high-minded as Barack claims. It would also give Sarah Palin a Cheney-esque “Leave my family out of this! They aren’t running for office!” moment that — no matter how silly and contrived … Sarah Palin is running on a family-values-abstinence-works-no-sex-till-marriage platform, remember? — a number of mouthbreathers would absolutely get behind.

So yeah … Obama should leave this alone. But me? I fucking love it. Better than the NFL playoffs; and with fewer illegitimate children!

Speaking of which … you know the only way this could get any better?

Well … if that there baby comes out of the womb blacker than Barack Obama … that would be … just perfect.

*****

UPDATE: Obama does exactly what he should do regarding the Palin family’s dirty little teen sex revelation:

“I have said before and I will repeat again: People’s families are off limits,” Obama said. “And people’s children are especially off-limits. This shouldn’t be part of our politics. It has no relevance to Gov. Palin’s performance as a governor or her potential performance as a vice president. So I would strongly urge people to back off these kinds of stories. You know my mother had me when she was 18 and how a family deals with issues and teenage children, that shouldn’t be a topic of our politics.”

— From Politico.

You know a smart administration is making the decisions when they “take scientists out of decision making on species status.”

And it’s just awesome that doing so “doesn’t require the approval of congress.”

In totally unexpected reaction to this move, “developers welcomed the plan, while environmentalists derided it.”

No! Really?

Environmentalists derided a plan that would put the decision-making power into the hands of politicians when determining if construction projects will adversely affect wildlife?!

Never that.

After all, people in America’s federal agencies have never done anything like ignoring the dangers of action or inaction for the sake of political expediency.

Do you know why they made this move? Well, it’s because “the existing regulations create unnecessary conflicts and delays.”

Yes, conflicts like ‘building this shit might kill off this endangered species’ and delays such as ‘maybe we should find out if there will be any place for these animals to live after we build this highway.’

The Interior Department cited its recent decision on polar bears as an example. While listing polar bears as endangered due to melting sea ice habitat, it argues that scientists at this time cannot “draw a direct causal link between greenhouse gas emissions and distant observations of impacts affecting species.

“As a result, it is inappropriate to consult on a remote agency action involving the contribution of emissions to global warming because it is not possible to link the emissions to impacts on specific listed species such as polar bears,” the department stated.

Well, that’s one (retarded) justification for this move.

However — even though I’m not a scientist — I’m pretty sure that in some situations it just might be possible to draw a “direct causal link” between building a fucking superhighway or a megadam and the loss of habitat for species that live in forests or wetlands.

I am not trying to be overtly nationalistic here or anything, but this unparalleled idiocy only reinforces the differences between Canada and the United States.

When our last real Prime Minister of any length, Jean Chretien, was leaving office, decided he was going to create a whole bunch of new national parks and other green stuff — because he likes wilderness, he probably felt guilty for being a typical politician for most of his time in office and because … fuck it, he could.

As America suffers through the last throes of the Bush insurgency, the administration seeks to push through something that “would accomplish through regulations what conservative Republicans have been unable to achieve in Congress: ending some environmental reviews that developers and other federal agencies blame for delays and cost increases on many projects.”

But you Americans should all vote for John McCain because Barack Obama is scary, untested, a celebrity and “dif’rent lookin’”

You get what you fucking pay for. Or rather, the developers get what they pay for. The animals don’t have any money, so they get fuck all.

Maybe the American animals can come live in Chretien’s national parks.

Oh wait … we’re not so good these days about accepting people who deserted that fucking mess down there.

But wait … “a new administration could freeze any pending regulations or reverse them, a process that could take months.”

"Help me, Secret Muslim Presidential Candidate; you're my only hope."

See? even the Bald Fucking American Eagles need Obama to be President.

I know I’m kind of a sucker for Barack Obama these days. I know there’s a tag on my blog that exists because I keep posting about cool shit that he does. I know I’m supposed to use this blog to call out the bullshit obfuscation that is so prevalent in politics instead of cheerleading for a guy who can give a nice speech.

I know all that, but damn.

What kind of balls does it take for a black politician to get up on stage and deliver a speech about the mistakes of intertwining politics and religion in this political climate?

It’s hard to point out dirty politics and make fun of lies and half-truths when you’re discussing a politician who seems to have (and we’ll just have to hope this continues through the campaign) no desire to take something complicated and make it simple and divisive.

If this video hits the cable news channels, there will be no end to the number of talking heads booked to dissect exactly how insulting Obama’s words are to Christians in the United States. They’ll soundbyte it to death and come mid-August there will be television ads that use a grand total of seven words from this interesting and complex speech:

“Some folks haven’t been reading their bibles.”

And oh, what a gift from heaven those words will seem to the Republican attack groups; so easy to twist and manipulate; so terribly condescending if you simply ignore the fact that Obama is a Christian himself and has most assuredly read his bible.

So they’ll go all out with it, and Obama will have to give another in-depth speech akin to his discussion of race in America. And if that happens, we all win.

In the meantime, I’m just happy that a real Christian is discussing how ridiculous it would be to follow the bible when creating policy. It probably won’t play well, but it’s certainly true.

And the day that all politicians choose truth and insight over spin and political expediency … I’ll have to find a new idea for a blog.

Somehow, I’m not too worried about that.

Here’s the speech. Watch it. It’s pretty impressive.

If you missed all the weirdness, or even some of it, MSNBC has put together a wonderful 10-minute recap of the past six months of American politics … it’s really all you need to see to come to the same conclusion as Stan Marsh.

“Dude … this is fucked up right here.”

Hey! Check it out everybody! this comes from the file of Shit-I-Probably-Shouldn’t-Have-Needed-Maps-To-Realize…

First, a map of how Barack Obama stacks up against John McCain in current electoral college votes as of this week (Obama is blue, obviously):

Next, we have this map:

But to play the race card in this election would be just another example of Obama’s self-centred campaign of victimization, right?

God, America really makes me sad sometimes…

I have nothing else to say until both the Stanley Cup Finals and the Democratic Party nomination process are over.

Both results are so close I can taste them.

But they’re not over yet.

So this seemed right: