This didn’t end up happening for a season preview. I blame myself, and my laziness, and the fact that regular season hockey is very boring when you cheer for a team that would qualify for the playoffs as a high seed even if you killed both their goaltenders and forced homeless people into their jerseys.
And having watched much of the Detroit Red Wings 2008/09 March To The Real Season, I’m not entirely sure that didn’t happen.
Regardless, we’re in the playoffs, primed for a cup or a monumental choke job – there’s really not a lot of middle ground for the Wings anymore – and it’s time to make some predictions, through everyone’s favourite forms of lazy-man poetry.
So much like Joe Thornton’s heart as soon as the puck drops tonight … away we go!
Western Conference:
1. San Jose Sharks vs. 8. Anaheim Ducks
Warriors don’t quit
Champions fight through the storm
The Sharks are neither
Will it be Hiller or Giguere?
The answer’s still up in the air
But if the Sharks choke again
(Wait, scratch ‘if’ and say ‘when’)
Then Ducks fans won’t really care
Prediction: Ducks in seven
2. Detroit Red Wings vs. 7. Columbus Blue Jackets
Repeating is hard
Crowned heads do lie uneasy
Steve Mason scares me
There once was a goalie named Chris
Who was booed every time that he missed
But while spouting invective
Fans often neglected
To note the two cups he had kissed
Prediction: Wings in six
3. Vancouver Canucks vs. 6. St. Louis Blues
Happy to be here
Basking in the moment’s glow
For four games at least
An old Swedish fellow named Mats
Had trouble locating his spats
But once he could see,
He exclaimed with glee,
“My teammates are no longer doormats!”
Prediction: Canucks in five
4. Chicago Blackhawks vs. 5. Calgary Flames
Kipper is tired
The Hawks are young and hungry
You figure it out
Like a blue dress that’s been stained with semen
These Flames bear the mark of Mike Keenan
He rode Kipper too hard
Now’s he played his last card
If he thinks they’ll beat the Hawks then he’s dreamin’
Prediction: Chicago in six
Eastern Conference:
1. Boston Bruins vs. 8. Montreal Canadiens
A proud tradition
Winter’s greatest rivalry
Not so much in Spring
When B’s fans get into the hooch,
They’ve been known to holler out “Looch!”
The kid breaks panes of glass
He’ll beat the Habs’ ass
Then they’ll bitch like there’s sand in their cooch.
Prediction: Bruins in five
2. Washington Capitals vs. 7. New York Rangers
Caps are flash and dash
Rangers slow like rocks to sand
I’m rooting for flash
If only Ovechkin could don
The gear that Theodore puts on
The Caps need a goalie
That’s not quite so hole-y
And if they role with Jose, they’ll be gone
Prediction: Caps in seven (with Varlamov in net before the end of it)
3. New Jersey Devils vs. 6. Carolina Hurricanes
Now, a storm gathers
Devils could be exorcised
Can they Ward it off?
A funny thing about momentum
When you’ve got it you’re solid, and then some
As the Canes catch on fire
The Devils perspire
For Sutter, the series is a referendum
Prediciton: Canes in six
4. Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 5. Philadelphia Flyers
A team is a team
More than one or two men strong
Don’t forget it, Pens
There once was a Penguin named Sid
You’ve all heard of the things that he did
After hundreds of points
They were quick to anoint
him ‘The Man’ when he was still a kid
Prediction: Flyers in seven
These are fucking great. Looking forward to round two.