I’m not going to beat around the bush, pander with platitudes or hand out any participation ribbons today. I’m not in the mood.
I’m too gleeful. Too happy that some Americans are smarter than I give them credit for. Too busy reading the comments posted on http://hillaryis44.org and drinking sweet, sweet tears.
It’s a shame that it’s gotten this personal; it’s awful that I watched Hillary Clinton make a speech last night and felt the need to yell at the TV, to call her a “straight-up bitch” and to laugh nearly-hysterically at the combination of dark eyeshadow and bright lipstick that made her look like a deceased actor’s character from a movie I’m eagerly anticipating.
The beers probably contributed, but it’s not like I’m the first person to enjoys politics more when I’m hammered. Hell, doesn’t that make me an honourary Kennedy?
Anyway, this is probably just mean-spirited gloating. That’s what this has come to, and I’m not apologizing. I’ll get to the point of this post, but right now, I’m enjoying kicking a certain someone while she’s down. Make no mistake — she’d do it to me if I got in her way.
In the past month, by taking shot after shot (both cheap shots and Crown Royale), political barb after political barb, Hillary Clinton has shown herself to be a traditional politician. Not only has she done that with ease — she’s also managed to allow her husband to tarnish his legacy to the point where it is only after several shots of the aforementioned whiskey that one begins to remember fondly when Billy played the sax, had fun with cigars, fixed the economy and brokered a tentative peace in the Middle East.
The campaign she’s been running is not only negative and broke — it’s hurt both her and Obama’s chances of winning a general election. But we already knew this.
If the Republican party wasn’t stumbling out of the political equivalent of eight years locked in a darkened room with thuggish teamsters and hired goons practicing old-school cronyism, there would be no way either Democratic candidate would have a chance in November after this travesty.
But … here’s the thing: She hasn’t quit yet.
Either she has dirty tricks up her sleeve that she feels will swing large chunks of superdelegates to her camp, she plans to ram through the Michigan and Florida results without simultaneously pissing off the superdelegates (whose help she will also need, even if those results are counted) or she’s preparing to hurt Obama’s chances as much as possible to keep her window open for a 2012 campaign.
Any of these options make her a bitch. Not a bitch in the ’she’s a woman I don’t like so she’s a bitch’ sense, but the kind of bitch who unplugs the controller while you’re whipping his ass at video games; the sort of person who accidentally sneezes across a checkerboard when you make your third king; the lowly brand of scumbag that tells you three turns later that he forgot to collect his $200 the last two times he passed ‘GO’ and then proceeds to grab the cash from the Monopoly box.
Yeah … she’s that type of bitch.
I was thinking about sports analogies today (shut up, it’s easy and fun, and applicable to any situation) and the perfect one occurred to me — Hillary Clinton is fouling to extend the game.
For the uninitiated: When a basketball team is trailing by more than one possession (three points) and a less than totally insurmountable number (say 10-12 points) with less than two minutes on the game clock, the coach will sometimes try to extend the game by purposefully fouling the other team. The other team will then get two free throws, each worth a point. They key is that the clock does not run while the leading team shoots their foul shots and the trailing team will almost certainly get the ball back as soon as the shots are made or missed.
What does the strategy accomplish, both in basketball and politics? A few things. First, it buys you more time at a junction when your only other option is to concede defeat, dribble out the clock, shake hands and walk to the locker room. Second, it puts the ball in the other team’s hands in a pressure-packed situation. Third, it gives you several more chances to shoot long-range shots that only delayed the inevitable result if you miss, but give you a very powerful dose of adrenalin and momentum should they drop in the net.
This is exactly what Clinton is doing. She’s buying time before she concedes. She’s putting the ball (the presumptive nominee status) in Obama’s hands and hoping he makes some mistakes. She’s taking long-range shots (the seating of the Michigan and Florida delegates, the hope that the superdelegates somehow defy the wishes of the popular vote) and hoping she drains them.
It would sicken me to see what is arguably the most important political event of the last eight years reduced to the equivalent of the final moments of an almost-over basketball game … it would sicken me if I weren’t the person who started a goddamn blog in which politics, sports and media matters are laid out on the same stage, so that everyone who pays attention can see them for the Dirty Games they are.
In conclusion, I’ve seen dozens of almost-over basketball games. They are brutal to watch, agonizing for fans on both sides and nerve wracking for players on both teams … but they almost always end the way they are supposed to end, and everyone walks off the court and out of the arena, exhaling in relief and wondering why we had to make the final two minutes last a goddamn half-hour.
There are miracles in sport, but they are few and far between and usually the result of some superhuman feat of athleticism or an amazing-but-thoroughly-lucky happenstance. There are miracles in politics too, but they are often man-made; crafted in a dank boardroom by cynical people who are gathered there to figure out a way to subvert the will of the people they are running to represent.
So yeah … Ef you, Hillary Clinton. Dribble out the goddamn clock so we can all go home already. Don’t make me call a fucking Flagrant 2.
—————————–
ps — for the basketball fans who made it this far, enjoy this reward, and be thankful that this shit could never happen in politics (knocks on wood):
