Dull losers with big dick substitutes.

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I was all set to write a lovely, taunting, oh-how-I-told-you-so post about my Red Wings and their consumption of the souls of the Calgary Flames …

But then some asshole with a gun decided to wreck everyone’s day.

I don’t know much about the asshole who shot up Virginia Tech, killing more than 30 people — nobody does, yet — but having experience in these matters, namely watching them on TV in newsrooms every time they happen, I can tell you several things about this situation:

• Dude will prove to be a substantial loser, whether through consumption of horrible music, a lack of social skills, a series of failed relationships, an unhealthy addiction to child porn or all of the above. The cause doesn’t matter so much as the effect.
• Compounding this, especially if issues of romance, rejection or sex come into play, he will prove to be a miserable excuse for a lover with a history of non-communicative relationships ending in startlingly bad sexual encounters which may or may not include laughter at his small penis.
• He will listen to Marilyn Manson, NIN, Tool, Pantera or Slayer. But that doesn’t mean it’s their fault. They just articulate the impotent rage welling up inside him very well.
• He will have been brought up in circumstances in which guns are all-too-available, and he will have been comfortable cleaning, maintaining and firing them at an early age. (Sadly, and no jokes are really appropriate here, he appears to have been a pretty good shot).
• He will almost certainly not have been using weapons that one would typically associate with hunting munitions. Hunting guns are difficult to use on a classroom full of people, and — having fired a rifle myself — I’m pretty sure it would be nearly impossible to kill 30-plus people with one unless you had excellent cover and time to reload.
• Lastly, he will have had an insatiable need to be remembered for something. And now, of course, he’s got his wish. He’s in the Pop Culture Lexicon of Memorable Assholes. In fact, just today as this was happening, two names from that Pantheon of Failure were mentioned repeatedly: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold — aka ‘The Columbine Kids’. Those mentions, of course, are exactly what they wanted when they went out in that blaze of ugly and misguided ‘glory’ — every time some disaffected asshole with a small cock and a reason to Hate loses his shit, guess who’s name comes up?

Oh! And I can promise you one other thing: With information indicating that Virginia Tech is a ‘no-gun zone’ (‘Don’t take your guns to class, Bill … Leave your guns in your dorm, son…’) there will be scores of NRA advocates who will scream until their fat, ugly faces are blue that this would have been a lot less tragic if one of the people in the classroom were packing heat.

Because the only thing better than a dude with a small dick firing off a weapon is another dude with a small dick shooting back in a crowded classroom. Hooray for crossfire!

Seriously though, there are apparently a lot of people in bad shape in hospital too, so the count is only going to rise. Everyone in the media knew that someone would top Columbine one day, but only the truly cynical, the real assholes, and the television people were secretly rooting for it to happen.

My only contribution is a suggestion that, once this guy’s name has been smeared all over the papers a la Harris and Klebold, that we strike him from the record, and never refer to him by name in a story again. Immortalizing these fucks only encourages other bad losers to go for broke.

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